My girls are the best. You wouldn’t know it from this post, but they are.

L.A. Mommy has been working late a lot. Which means I’ve been picking up the girls after work. And usually I’ll be brave and adventurous and take them on errands with me. Like I did last night.

We went to a store to look for patio furniture for our back deck. Now that winter is over and it’s warm outside, we want to sit outside and admire our backyard. Which still needs weeding…

The girls were fine at the store. But I could tell they were getting hungry. It was time to go. And we weren’t going to make it all the way home. We were going to have to eat out at a restaurant.

Which is not unusual. Me and my two girls have eaten solo before. And everything always went well. But not this time. I don’t know if it was the fact that we didn’t eat first or that someone slipped both of them some angel dust and a speedball cocktail.

I drove around trying to find some thing to eat that the girls would eat but avoiding the fast food burger joints. L.A. Girl kept shouting she wanted egg soup, which meant I should probably find a Chinese restaurant that served egg drop soup. Luckily enogh, I did find one of those cheesy ones in a nearby strip mall. It had the koi pond, the red vinyl booths, and little Buddha statues every where.

L.A. Baby has been getting bigger so I make the mistake of using a booster seat instead of the high chair. L.A. Girl had decided she could no longer find the volume control on her voice and was talking loudly all the way through the room. Her younger sister saw a room full of people in their fifties and sixties and shouted out “Paw-paw!” to each one we passed - - she thought each old man was her grandfather.

We get to our table and they put us right in the middle of all these other people eating their dinners. Normally, when they see two kids, they stick us in a back corner where we can do no harm. Not that night. No siree. We had to be on center stage!

Well, L.A. Baby go on her booster seat which, no matter how close I scooted her up, was still three feet from the table. She proceeded to yank on the paper table cloth/cover thingy. L.A. Girl was talking about the goldfish in the koi pond like she was giving a presentation in an auditorium and was trying to make sure the people in back could hear her. While holding onto an 18 month old who is now rocking back and forth on her booster seat, I’m scanning the menu only to realize this is the one Chinese restaurant in the state of Ohio that has 14 soups on the menu - - but doesn’t have egg drop soup…

At this point, I’m starting to worry.

The waiter comes to take our drink order. “Three beers and a vodka straight up. And some lemonade for the girls…”

The waterworks started when the waiter told us they only had pink lemonade. Apparently, to a child, there’s a difference. I didn’t know that. Weeping, wailing, and nashing of teeth. I got looks from all the grandfathers in the room.

L.A. Baby tried to slip out of her booster seat. She had her arms outstretched to go hug the nearest Paw-paw. When I stopped her, we had even more tears. She was adamant that she got to see grandpa. He was right there, for chrissakes! You’d think I had just slapped her and her mother when I wouldn’t let her go over and bother the nice old man next to us.

I continued to search the menu for egg drop soup and was starting to really panic. I was “this close” to packing it all in and leaving at that point. But I like punishment. So I stayed to take it.

When the waiter came back, I asked for a high chair to replace the booster seat. I got an eye-roll out of that and the tip just went from 20% down to 15%. When I put my daughter in it, there were out-and-out screams coming from this tiny girl. You’d think she was an opera star the way her wails filled that room. My face was beet-red at this point. I was beginning to sweat.

As I placed the order, I quietly asked if they had an egg drop soup. He said, loudly, “Oh, no, we no have egg drop soup. Only what’s on menu!” 10%.

I ordered something similar - a chicken soup, with egg in it, and hoped for the best. But L.A. Girl was sitting across from me, staring at me, with her chin in her hands. I had failed. Sweating was profuse at this point. L.A. Baby managed to pull the entire table cloth toward her and it spilled one of my beers. Her sister decided to crawl under the table and join me… sitting on the booster seat that was still on the bench next to me. While I pulled the tablecloth from her sister’s iron-fisted grip, L.A. Girl was rocking back and forth on the booster seat, which - of course - made her fall over on her side and hit her head on the wall of the booth.

Bang! Crying. Laughter from her little sister. Every head in Johnny Chung’s restaurant turned to look at my utter failure to be a father in any way, shape or form.

Panic. Anxiety. Sweat. Down the vodka and the beer. Deep breath. Run for the door, Tim! Run!

But finally the food came. My little darlings could get some much needed sustenance. Food to set them right and make them behave. Natuarally, L.A. Girl didn’t like the soup she was served. L.A. Baby thought it would be fun to throw her white rice at the lady next to us. It was utter chaos at this point.

I wasn’t just sitting there, with my mouth hanging open, if that’s what you’re thinking. I was verbally scolding, pulling at little hands and little arms, and threatening them with everything. I stop one and settle her down and the other one would go off.

But my two little Tasmanian devils did manage to put some of their food in their mouthes. And those calories, carbs, and proteins did their work. They calmed down a bit. From a roar to a scream, but calm down they did. I actually managed to eat most of my food. We even stopped to look at the fish in the pond again.

As I was driving them home I was whipped. Exhausted. I felt like I went a few rounds in a heavyweight battle. And lost. Technical knock out…

Next time we go out to eat, I’m bringing back-up. I’ll need L.A. Mommy there with her chair and whip to go along with mine. We’ll beat those wild animals back into their cages!

I need a nap.