As Seen On TV
Published January 19th, 2009 in It's Really Just All About Me..., L.A. Girl.
My little baby is growing up. In fact, I’m not going to call L.A. Toddler that any more. From now on — she’s L.A. Girl…
It’s not because she’s 4 1/2 going on 40. It’s her newfound desire to shop. To buy things. But not the things you might think. She doesn’t want the latest toy. Or clothes. Or even the shiny baubles and trinkets that fascinate her mother.
She wants the over-priced crap you see being sold in the TV commercials by Billy Mays. Or that Australian guy. Or the weird guy Vince that sells the “Sham-wow!”
Order in the Next Ten Minutes and I’ll Throw In–
L.A. Girl begs me to buy the OxyClean or the paint edger or demands that I turn in my Cash 4 Gold today! She’s in love with every snake oil salesman out there. She can’t understand why I don’t pick up the phone and place my order. I mean, didn’t you hear the man? You have to order in the next 10 minutes… what are you waiting for?!
I don’t know… Why clean my hardwoods with white vinegar and water when I can buy the shit from Billy Mays and ruin for shiny floors for only $19.95 (plus S&H of $5.95)? What is wrong with me?
L.A. Girl has no idea but she’s starting to get that look that says, “Are you really my parent or did you steal me from the hospital?” She can’t imagine why I won’t buy her Mighty Putty or the Awesome Auger (it even comes with a drill, daddy, but you have to order in the next 10 minutes!) I try to explain to her that Zorbeez, The Steam Buddy, and Big City Slider Station are all cheap knockoffs of products you can buy at Target. For much, much… much less.
But she’s not buyin’ it. Once again, she thinks I’m a moron. She even brought me my wallet and the phone when I had completely ignored my chance to buy a set of ShamWows. What I can’t figure out is if young children are the intended audience for these ShamArtists or if my daughter is susceptible to old-school pitchmen.
I can picture it now. She’ll end up this little old lady in a house full of cats ordering products from some future version of the Home Shopping Network while sending cash in envelopes to Nigerian Finance Ministers who have promised her millions… 
Here’s How to Order!
When I was a kid all we wanted were the toy surprises inside the box of cereal. Or the latest gadget or gizmo featured in the commercials between Looney Tunes or Little Rascals episodes. Actual fun things…
Hell, even the little plastic piece of crap inside the Cracker Jack box was mildly appealing. Remember Happy Meals and shiny toys they came with? My daughter could care oh-so very little about them.
She only wants the stuff the loud obnoxious men are selling on TV. With fingers crossed, we tells ourselves it’s just a phase. But I have a fear that she won’t be bringing me my wallet and phone in the near future. No. She’ll just run off to another room and place the order herself. Because, apparently, we just aren’t getting it.
Although… I would like that PRO CAULK ($19.95) silicone caulking tool. After all, it is the only hassle-free way to apply silicone with no mess and a perfect finish every time!
Billy Mays and Weird Vince can sell me anything. Sorry, but L.A. Girl (they grow up so fast!) will also probably grow up with a thing for men with thick, lush beards and/or crazy Weird Vince eyes.
My neice can quote the whole Buxton Leather Bag infomercial. She wants to order her mother one because it holds “Not one but TWO water bottles”.
i know what you are going threw my boys are always telling me i need to buy those dam snuggleys because if you buy one now you get a second free . I just laugh cause its funny to here them tell me that .. i just tell them i have blankets and there like but mom they dont have sleeves and they dont come with flash light ( reading lights really) lol kids gotta love them
OMG… I thought I was the only one with a child who wanted weird items being sold on tv. We are seriously thinking about disabling our cable. Before his birthday last month, my son had to have a “Snuggie blanket” (https://www.seenontv.com/prod-pages/snggie_ood_ontv.html ). Nevermind that it had 70 year old people wearing the things, he HAD to have one. I didn’t buy it. But I told the story to a friend, who found a child-sized one at a local store. It was his favorite present.
I don’t trust Mr. Neat-Beard, but when it comes to Vince from ShamWow… Well, I understand your daughter. There’s something very comforting about Vince’s wondering eye.
You lost me at Zorbeez, The Steam Buddy, and Big City Slider Station. I have no idea what those are.
But I do kinda want the Pro Caulk…
Will she want a Snuggie too or is that commercial too? Because we all know you want one too…
Yesterday we had our first pester from dudelet (5yo) for a mobile phone. Because a classmate already has one. Utter horror.
I get drawn into the infomercials easily too. However, I am too cheap to actually pick up he phone.
I agree the Pro Caulk looks sweet!! I have tried and tried and tried to make the caulk in our bathroom look professional, but I bet my 23 month old could do a better job sometimes.
Reading this was like reading someone describe myself at six. I used to LOVE to watch infomercials. Except I called them “commercials where you learn something.”
‘Cause, like, you totally learn something. About how to cut through cans, or clean your floor, or absorb more than anyone could ever possibly need to absorb. Mm-hmm.