I Am Going to Die Soon
Published November 21st, 2008 in It's Really Just All About Me....
Do you have one toy in your house that you would like to light on fire, drop in a well, and then smart-bomb the shit out of the whole area?
I do.
And it won’t go away. And it’s going to kill me.
It’s this toy phone. It says Smart Phone on the front but it should say Evil Annoyance From Hell. This thing rings, it beeps, it gives a busy signal, it plays songs, it has fingernails-on-chalkboard voices… and it’s possessed by Satan himself.
LA Toddler loved and, now, it’s LA Baby’s new favorite. She pushes the buttons, dances to the songs, all while I am trying to step on it and smash it out of existence. It’s loud, obnoxious, and persistent.
If I wasn’t going to die soon, and I had the energy, I’d film this thing and put it on YouTube so you could see and feel it’s evilocity.
How persistent? It won’t stop - even when no child is playing with it. First of all, it has no On/Off switch. Never, EVER trust anything device that has no On/Off switch. Trust me… I’ll be lying in bed, in the middle of the night, and I’ll hear the fake phone ring. Now - if you’re anything like me - you don’t wake up easy but when you hear a phone ring in the middle of the night… you reasonably sure someone has died.
And that is very hard to go back to sleep on once this little shit has woken you up.
If it’s so bad, I should get rid of it, right? Right. Only, you’ve seen the horror movies — these things don’t go away, even when you toss them in the trash. Several. Times. Like a bad case of herpes, this little fucker keeps showing back up.
I threw it in the rented dumpster when we moved. I did. And when I opened a box of toys after we moved in… yep, there it was. When that didn’t work, I removed the batteries. That stopped it for a while. But it works fine now. Without batteries. That’s how I know it’s possessed by Satan. It’s here to torment me until I drop over dead from an aneurysm or massive stroke.
So, when I suddenly stop posting. You’ll know what happened. The evil toy phone killed me. Dead. That’s Satan’s plan. Apparently my soul is needed urgently in Hell. I don’t know why.
Quick, wrap it up in a rope made of pebbles and throw it in the ocean….
Yes, we have light sabers that light up and make noise…very annoying.
That’s why we ban all electronic toys from our house. And if one makes it beyond the parental cordon, we immediately perform a “soundectomy”, either taking out the batteries or even removing the sound-producing component. My husband has zero tolerance for noisy toys.
Be afraid! Be very afraid!
We have a possessed remote control train that moves and makes horn noises at random. Plus a puzzle that makes sounds on its own, too which does not have an on/off switch either! Damn them!
This post made me laugh out loud. You are too funny!
I’ve not personally experienced possessed toys, but maybe that’s cuz the ghost that lives in my house makes sure they don’t get out of line.
Snicker.
Oh Tim. It’s only just begun.
Bwhahahahahaha.
I’m having Chuckie flashbacks.
Or I keep thinking about Amara’s rubber duck game that keeps starting up every now and again, loud enough to wake the dead.
You’ve mocked it openly. You’re screwed.
Seriously. Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler got a talking “Winnie AND Pooh” (so named by Modern Toddler’s refusal to accept Winnie and Pooh as the same entity) puzzle from the grandparents. This is all part of the karma game grandparents hold season tickets for… Anyway, this freaky little puzzle features Darby’s squeaky voice looking for each missing puzzle piece. I have long since removed the pieces but the creepy thing still calls out for them like the bloody ghost of Walt Disney himself. It is sensitive to motion (not on the box) and it used to begin it’s adventures in the middle of the night when the heater came on. After a panic attack, 2 near coronary emergencies and one horrific nightmare about heffalumps, i buried the thing enough weight to stop the haunting. To this day i still hear “…someone’s still missing!” and it’s like Chucky had a sister. Have I ever told you about the Winnie and Pooh phone I foolishly bought to distract from the distinct absence of the puzzle? Tune into Modern Mommy this week!
I think you’ve got the beginnings of a new horror movie. Only this one will be aimed at parents, not teenagers.
I could give stories of possessed toys to help you out. We’ve had some weird ones.