Things I’ve Learned from Being a Father
Published May 23rd, 2007 in L.A. Toddler, It's Really Just All About Me....
I spent the first thirty-six years of my life getting ready to be a father. And the past three years realizing I wasn’t ready.
Never having had a father, I didn’t quite know what to expect — but I was confident I could handle anything. Luckily, on-the-job training with L.A. Toddler has provided just enough knowledge to allow me to realize that I still don’t know what I’m doing.My daughter is probably beyond hope, but maybe I’ll get it right with the next one. Have I learned anything? A few things. Here’s what I’ve picked along the way:
- Becoming a parent means sacrifice. You lose a ton of sleep, your free time, and the ability to remember where you put your keys. And, no… you’ll never, ever be able to figure out why you found your keys in the fridge wedged between the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and the leftover Kung Pao chicken.
- You’ll also figure out that it’s not really a sacrifice. Not once you get the payoff. When you say goodbye to your little ankle-biter and you ask for a kiss. And she says, “No. No kiss. A hug and a kiss!” Man, that just kills you. You won’t stop smiling for an hour.
- Kids are little sponges. Whatever you say or do — it gets stuck in their growing brains. They remember more than you will ever give them credit for. They’ll save it up for months and years… and then spill the beans while on the cellphone with grandma. While you’re driving. And can’t snatch the phone from her. “Daddy said what?! Oh, really? Could you put daddy on the phone, sweetie?”
- Having a baby doesn’t really change everything. It changes a lot but you’re still you. But with less money. No social life. And you’ll lose the ability to dress yourself. You’ll find yourself calling your wife, while she’s away, to ask her what you should wear that day.
- Children fill your house with love, joy, light, and happiness. But all their shit will invade your living space like a toxic black mold fungus thing. There is nothing you can do. Face the fact that you will lose at least two rooms in your home, maybe three… The older the child gets, the more their toys, clothes, and leftover food items will spread out like a virus. If you’re strong and disciplined, you might be able to save your living room. But if you lose that battle, the only hope you have is to try to keep toys out of your front yard. Plan on watching baseball games in your garage — it will be your final refuge.
- Don’t go crazy buying a bunch of cutesy kid clothing. People will give you a bunch of stuff like that. Save your money and buy a really nice TV, home theater surround sound setup, and get you some TiVo and a Netflix subscription. Because you will never go to a movie theater again. Unless your mother-in-law lives around the corner, you are screwed. Oh, and buy a comfy couch to park your fat butt on.
- Spend every minute you get with your kid. Try for an hour each day. If he or she asks you to play tea party, when the game is on or you are surfing the web — drop everything and pick up your teacup. Your child will be more confident because she’ll know she is worthy of making you miss what’s important to you. But if she wants you watch Barney, remind her that you’d rather peel off your eyelids. Then, distract her with candy and run for help.
- Don’t lie to your kid because you think she won’t understand something or because you’re too lazy to explain it. The only time you should lie is when it comes to Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. And… Aunt Myrtle. “No, honey, she doesn’t have a drinking problem. The Bacardi 151 is for medicinal purposes.”
- Read to your child as much as her mother does. Kids get the importance of reading when everyone does it. Reading is the key to any education. Don’t let it bother you that mom is reading Cat in the Hat and you’re reading her Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas… “But it was the ether that I was really worried about.” It’s all good.
Well, that’s all that I can think of for now. It’s getting late. I’ve got to work in the morning. I’ve got to find my keys. And I’ve already checked the fridge…
What have you learned?
18 Responses to “Things I've Learned from Being a Father”
- 1 Pingback on May 30th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Yes. Yes. Yes . . . to all of that. Except the part about the garage–once they start driving, you’ll lose that too. Have you considered building a shed out back?
Great points. Being a teacher, I’m especially thrilled with the last one. I can’t STAND the way certain books sound when I’m not reading them, but it is so important to have everyone reading.
A tip on how to keep some of their things at bay: Start collecting things they do that you might find laying around. Our main one is yu-gi-oh. I have so many yu-gi-oh cards it’s not even funny. BUT, they aren’t laying around the house either. They know if I get it, it’s mine. Oh, and action figures are the same. I mean, I love comic books, don’t leave your stuff in my area or it’s mine. The crap stuff, they know I throw out little pony and things like that.
Ha! Great list. I love the “all their shit will invade your house like a toxic black mold”. So true. And it’s true, we haven’t been out to the movies together much since our daughter was born three yeras ago. Even when we do have a babysitter, we’d rather go to dinner or something.
Great observations! It’s been so long since I’ve had toddlers and babies that all this stuff sounds new to me again. If you don’t mind, I could write a companion post called Things I’ve Learned from being a Father of Teenagers.
Hehe! That third bullet got me laughing. It’s SO true!! Of course I have to monitor not only phone calls with the ‘rents’ but phone calls with the ‘ex’.
After we finish Hunter S. Thompson I thought we could move on to some Bukowski.
Ahhh … having a house accessorized by Little Tykes. That’s a biggie no one shared with us.
A few things I’ve learned:
Being a smartass parent has consequences (per your third point) — Folks at daycare, your uber-Catholic mother-in-law, and random strangers won’t find it that funny when your kid repeats some off-the-cuff comment you make. Like, say, when your kid calls that m-i-l a “crazy devil woman” … to her face.
Picky eating has less to do with taste and more to do with driving you nuts — For the first two years of his life, The Boy loved carrots. Now he won’t touch them. He almost never tries anything new. But when he feeds the dogs, he practically begs to try it. WTF?!
You will never stop “proofing” your house — It starts when they begin crawling, and never, ever ends. After that initial round, you then go through toddler proofing (electronics, cleaners, etc.), then older kid level (food you don’t want them to eat, chemicals, etc.), then teenager level (booze, car keys, that bong you made in high school that you forgot was in your basement … )
Okay. I may have to start my own post because this is turning into a thesis …
:)
This is very important for someone on the fence, like me, to read so thanks!
Good list - I’m impressed!
I agree. Some stuff I was told was true, and some were downright lies. But it’ all good.
And you know, I still can’t believe it’s not butter.
After nursing four kids, I’ve learned that the moniker “banana boobs” isn’t funny anymore. I’ve also learned that no matter how competitive you are with other parents, there is always some kid who constructed the double helix with his Legos before he could walk. So lower the bar with your kids and everyone’s happy.
Tim, I’ve learned that life is short and can be over in the blink of an eye. So when you are wishing you are somewhere else while wiping up the vomit or fishing a floater out of the tub, there is always going to be some parent out there somewhere who would kill to have that moment back…
Sigh. Great post, friend.
Good list, man. So far I’ve learned that you should always treat your kid like he/she is the most important person in the world, which is easy because that’s exactly how I feel about ours.
And I’ve learned patience. Lots of it. But I’ve also learned that infinite patience isn’t always the best thing, and you need to know when to draw the line.
And I’ve learned that there’s no point trying to clean up. It will be a mess again in 10 minutes. The sooner you come to terms with that the sooner you will reach spiritual creaminess.
I’ve always been a sucker for an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” reference.
Great post.
Just one addition. I have a Mother in law living right round the corner. trust me, you’re better off with the big TV.
We lost our living room years ago. In fact, pretty much every room has been taken over by frilly things and plastic crap.
Oh, wait - there’s still the garage.
Nice. 4 stars. Top Notch. As usual.