My Tabasco Diet
Published March 20th, 2007 in It's Really Just All About Me....I’m starting a new diet. I’ve got to lose some weight before I drop dead. I’ve always been a big load - I graduated high school at 225 lbs - but because I’m six foot three everyone always told me I needed to gain weight. Now, I’m pushing 290!
Usually when someone weighs almost three hundred pounds, they have to call in Richard Simmons for an intervention. You’d think they would have to call in the fire department to break open my door jam so I could waddle out in the open to allow the crane to hoist me onto the flat bed truck so they could haul my lard ass to an 18-wheeler weigh station to get an accurate reading of my Jabba the Hutness.
I had lost about 20 lbs at the end of last year - then I had the motorcycle accident. But, recovery involved painkillers and a lot of booze to get me through the nasty parts. And all the holiday eating didn’t help, so I ended up right back where I started.
Since L.A. Mommy is 2 months pregnant, I’ve vowed to lose as much as she gains over the next 8 months. Maybe even more, if I can do it. I’m going to be forty by the time the baby comes. The last thing I want to be saying is, “Hi! I’m 40 years old and I’m in the worst shape of my life!”
My eventual goal is to get back down to 225. That might sound like I’d still be a fat, lazy lardass but… trust me: if I went below two hundred, I’d look physically ill, with sunken eyes and flies buzzing around my head.
Of course, most of those silly “Body Mass Index” thingies always say that if you’re 6′3″ and big-boned, the most you should weigh is 200 pounds. I’d look look like Mary Kate Olsen… on a diet.
What is my new secret weapon? Tabasco!
I’m going to be doing my version of the Tabasco diet. Basically, all you do is take a serious shot of the fire sauce before every meal. And every time you want to snack.
I started today. It’s going well. I can’t feel my lips and I’ve downed about 7 gallons of water. I’m sweating entirely too much to even think about eating. It’s taken me twenty minutes to write this post because I have to keep refilling my water and then take another potty break.
Apparently, the brain will associate food with a searing burning feeling that is my tongue actually on fire. Also, the extra bucket of water I drink after my shot of wicked hot fills my stomach up and helps me eat less. Finally, the capsaicin in the sauce acts as some sort of appetite suppressor. However, in me, it also induces shortness of breath, fainting, nausea, and spontaneous vomiting. Small price to pay to lose weight, I guess.
If it turns out the Tabasco doesn’t really curb my appetite, I’m quite sure it will eat a hole in my stomach, thus allowing all the food I eat to simply fall out. And if the Pavlovian conditioning doesn’t take hold with the hot sauce, I’ll have to resort to poking myself in the eye with a stick every time I want to eat a bag of chips.
We’ll see how it works.
This is hilarious! I might have to try this too.
I started my No Bread, No Pasta, No Potatoes, No Coca-Cola diet yesterday, after gaining 8 pounds on Disneyland food last week.
Originally, I gained my weight back when my wife was pregnant with our son, and I was never able to shed it all. I did lose 15 pounds two years ago doing this very diet, but need to lose 30 more to be comfortable. People say I wear my weight well… That’s because it’s all in my middle, which I carefull hide with lose shirts and sweaters! My face actually looks kinda thin.
So, on Day Two of my NBNPNPNCC diet, I think I’m hallucinating about sandwiches. I love a good sandwich, and it’s the toughest thing in the world to not have one at least a couple times a week.
Oh, speaking of sandwiches, we couldn’t get into the Blue Bayou in New Orleans Square because they booked up by 10am! So we went to have lunch at Cafe Orleans and were seated at an awesome table outside looking over the square, where we were treated to a pirate concert and an appearance by Captain Jack Sparrow. The Cafe Orleans specialty, the Monte Cristo Sandwich, was excellent… Uh-oh, now my mouth is watering.
OMG you crack me up, I have tears pourin as I type. I just recently heard about this diet that some Dr did and he lost a ton of weight.
I am so there too, I eat very well because my husband eats well and I am the cook…my problem is I need to get into the gym.
So….we’re the same age huh? When’s your big day? I am guessing by your saying that you will be 40 by the time the baby arrives means closer to the baby’s arrival VERSUS APRIL like me!
How does the Tabasco diet work for you and not work for any of my countrymen in South Louisiana?
Yikes! I haven’t heard of that method before. Sounds painful, but then I’m a wuss when it comes to hot sauce. Good luck!
Ha! I think my husband is on that diet because he drowns everything he eats in Tabasco. But Paige has a point. I think Louisiana is the fattest state in the union.
Haha! My dad always says he’s on the “seafood” diet. He “seas” (sees) food and he eats it. He also runs about six miles a day and then bikes to work half the week, though so I guess he probably needs it.
I don’t know about that 6′3″ and big boned maximum of 200 pounds. Fiance is 6′6″ and change and typically weighs between 195 and 210. And you’ve seen pictures of him; he has broad shoulders but the man’s a beanstalk. The whole family is. I’m a munchkin in a sea of skinny giants.
Also, thanks for the congratulations! Oddly enough even though we’ve only been together about 1.5 years, we’ve been getting the “it’s about time” thing too. You’d think people could be more original!
Phil - I was at Disneyland last month and the Blue Bayou was booked up all day, too. The word is out…
Movin’ Mom - Thanks! Yeah, I’ve been going to the gym, I just can’t keep my nose out of the fridge. I’ll be the big 4-0 in December.
Paige - Well, if you put your Tabasco on all that wonderfully delicious but heart-stopping Southern food, it probably won’t help. But, I’m surrounded by tofu and spinach salad out here. Temptation is not as great. That, and I’m Irish. Sour cream is too spicy for me. Downing hot sauce makes me bleed from the eyes — I think I’ll be able to lose some weight
Sarah - Now, get ready for all the “So, when are you going to have kids?” questions. And, then, once you have a kid (if you do…) then you’ll get, “So, when are you going to have another one?”
From now on, whenever any one asks me when we’re going to hit our next milestone, I’m going to ask them, “So, when are you going to die?”
Hate the nausea. Hate it. Hope that part doesn’t last long. But if it continues, you probably won’t be eating much anyhow, eh?
Watch out so you don’t burn a big gaping hole in your stomach lining. That would definitely suck.
Good luck!
Jesus, haven’t you heard of bulimia? It’s so much less time consuming. If you’re really committed to losing weight just throw up after every meal and if you’re really really really committed I’d even toss up a grape. Sure your teeth will get all f-cked up but, hey, meth will do that too. Speaking of meth…
Hey, I’m 6′3 and have never been able to gain weight. The most I’ve weighed is 185. Do you think I eat too much hot sauce?
If it makes you feel better, my eyes look very sunken.
Tabassco diet?! LOL! I’d be following it up with the Prevacid Diet.
First must catch my breath from laughing so hard.
Are you my husband because he’s 6′3″ and weighs in the high 200’s after being 225 for our wedding. However, he’s not trying to lose weight. He decided start rugby. In his late 30’s.
And since he grew up in New Orleans, I think he’s immune to the powers of Tabasco. Mothers put it in the baby bottles to make the formula taste better.
Just wanted to let you know–since you so kindly let me know how wonderful the weather in L.A. was last weekend–that I’m about the same weight I was in college. I’m on the high end of the BMI charts for my height…those charts are all ridiculous.
Good luck with the diet.
omg, i can’t stop laughing. i have my own weight, exercise issues. i can’t gain weight and hate to exercise, i’m just waisting away. not like mary kate or anything. i have no muscle-tone, no. muscle. tone. none. catch-22 thing. i guess if just go walk or something, no what’s the point. good luck with the tobasco. i’m going to give that to my husband. too funny
My husband (he’s 6′5″) has similar issues. I can’t imagine him at 200, he’d definitely look weird.
He might like a tobasco diet, but hot foods fiend that he is, I wonder if it would change his eating…
Tabasco ewwwww!!! (but hey! if it works…)
I hope it gives you awesome results, but if not I’ll step out on a limb and share some ideas that worked for us and might help you a little or compliment what you are doing now…
I lost 50 lbs that I had managed to gain over two pregnancies and being inactive due to working a job that required tons of overtime and sitting and also through supporting my husband through his traumatic accident, doing something akin to what they call - intuitive eating…. I had tried so-called diets before that and they never worked - the mental stress of food selection, calorie counting etc I think was too much when trying to diet, so I’d end up just thinking about food ALL the time so I’d end up eating more somehow (I guess you could say that traditional dieting kind of backfired on me)
Some fundamentals:
1) Don’t eat something just to eat - if there isn’t anything on the menu you really want, try to order the item that will just satisfy your hunger enough
2) If you must have a donut (or two) for breakfast, don’t eat the eggs and toast and juice just to satisfy eating something healthy or because you are supposed to - but don’t make donuts the daily thing
3)Eat three meals a day but take half of what you want and try to eat half of that (or at least leave something - a bite or two)Especially if it’s like a cheeseburger plate or something.
4) don’t eat a snack before you go to sleep - this is the kicker for gaining weight - believe it or not, if your stomach is growling when you go to sleep, either
a) like me, it wouldn’t growl near as much the next morning (I found when I ate before bed my stomach growled MORE in the morning than versus not) or b) you’ll still be hungry, but you’ll eat a better breakfast to try and satisfy yourself so you won’t be so inclined to eat an insane lunch
5) Breakfast and Lunch need to be your big(ger) meals!! Try to cut dinner down to a meat a green a starch - see if you can eliminate rolls, and salads can be a terrible culprit!!! A salad with 3 tablespoons of dressing can be around 300-400 calories, when you could have had a regular serving of corn or even mashed potatoes for about 200!!!
6) Try to order so you can feed your kids off of you and your wife’s plates when eating out - when we go to Outback steakhouse here, My husband shares a steak and splits his potato with our son and I do the same with our daughter, then we order a serving of broccoli on the side (which is usually HUGE) and split it all the way around. And we let the kids snack out of our salads when they arrive too (gizmo steals my carrots and firstborn will grab pieces of lettuce and cucumbers LOL) Then we can even get dessert, but again, split it 4 ways!! Trust me by the time we eat the salads and bread with it etc it’s MORE than plenty of food. Yeah, sometimes my kids gripe but they get over it.
7) try to stop eating when you fill juuusssst satisfied, and don’t confuse it with stuffed LOL
This type of dieting won’t result in fast, dramatic - lose 20lbs in one week - results. But I will say it took me about 2 years to lose the 50 lbs (about 2lbs a month) and I never really dieted, never felt starving etc and the weight has never returned. (of course it took me about 8 years to gain it LOL)
Sorry for the book - I hope some of these ideas might help, they worked for us where diets have failed. It’s not easy to loose weight and I wish you good luck!!! we’ll be cheering for you
)
I love this! It made me laugh so hard I fell right out of my chair!
I grew up eating “hot sauce” on a lot of things here in New Orleans. I see no correlation between weight loss and Tabasco. The people down here tend to be on the heavy side.
I have an alternative to your present diet method. There is a cayenne pepper capsule. It may save you from a hole in your stomach. I actually looked up cayenne pepper diet and found that “Cayenne pepper breaks up this mucous and acts as a cleanser for the digestive, respiratory, and circulatory systems”.
My 2 year old uses hot sauce on her food. We start them real young. We don’t like the brand Tabasco. We prefer Crystal or Louisiana Hot Sauce because they are not as vinegerary.