Please Help Me!
Published December 16th, 2006 in Nada.
I only have the length of a very short nap to tell others about my horrible, terrible situation. The male human is staring at a massive collection of paper sheets - I think they call it a book. The woman is cleaning their clothing in the big white box.
The small one is sleeping. But still… she haunts me.
You must help!
I am being tormented by the little female. She chases me around my house. She pulls on my tail. She even pets me in the wrong direction - can she not see it only grows in one direction! Why is she so much more cruel than the taller humans?! Why?
What did I do to deserve this?
Life was good back when I was younger. The small devil was not here in my house yet. I could lay around, scratch the sofa, eat in peace, and basically ignore the big people. I could yell at them to feed me and let me out. I was in control.
Now, I am lucky to get 16 or 17 naps a day.
I have to play at night while they sleep. I stay up high on the furniture to keep her from grabbing a handful of my beautiful orange coat. Whenever I hear her maniacal laughter coming my way, my fur stands on end and I look like I’ve grown twice my normal size…
Not only does she harrass me, she makes so much noise! She screams, cries, beats on things, and puts all of her possessions in places where I sleep! The nerve! Doesn’t she realize that this is MY house?! I am in complete control here…
Why me? Oh, my! What if she knows our cat secret?! Have the humans been spying on us? Have they sent the small one in to exact revenge? As cats, one of our main goals is to always bother, rub against, and lay on the one human in the room that hates our species! That is our code! Perhaps this is the humans’ way to get back at me.
Can you make the tiny tormentor go away? Can you help me?!
I don’t have much to give you. I’ve only got a small stash of catnip. I’ve got some toys I could part with. I could maybe let my scratching post go, but you’d have to get rid of her fast.
And I’ve heard them talking about bringing ANOTHER small human into the house. As you can see, my situation is dire and it will only get worse…
Oh, I have to go! The tall female is bringing back folded, white clothing — I need to go burrow in it while it’s still warm! If you can’t help me — send help! Please?!
7 Responses to “Please Help Me! ”
- 1 Pingback on Dec 18th, 2006 at 9:30 am
- 2 Pingback on Jun 21st, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Love this. Though I must admit, not much of a cat person. So tell kitty to “man up,” because the little tormentor isn’t going anywhere. And sounds like you have some procreation activity in store, congrats.
Good luck with the book. As one who has written two highly ignored and unpublished novels, I say writing a book is equally the most grueling and gratifying experience I have had.
I’m not a cat person either. I think they’re all reincarnated prisoners.
I had a roomate in college who had one and the things tried several attempts to kill me (I’m convinved of it)
Yup so too bad cat. Go hang out in North Hollywood with the other criminals.
Yo, brother, don’t you have some claws? That’s what I use on Kaz’s little one. Unless you’d rather be a wuss and always run away like that other cat that lives in my house.
Oh, yeah, and if the tall one with the two bumps on the front starts getting a bigger belly — watch out!
Our two black cats have never adapted to dudelet. The big male just loftily stalks away. The little black female gets treated with a little more respect since being cornered and delivering a fierce hiss and swat attack.
So my advice to the writer would be, defend yourself, give the usurper a bit of a fright - but don’t draw any blood. Oh, and every time they’re feeling poorly, sit next to them. Toddlers are quite cute, even for cats, when they don’t feel like moving very quickly or at all.
Hey, Kaz’s Cat! Little Guy, our snotty orange cat, still has the claws but I’m sure he doesn’t even want to talk about the testicles…